On the road to find meaning
Last month we started our journey of looking at our emotional needs with our need for belonging. We are considering what we must pack in our rucksack of life in order for our journey to be sustained and sustaining wherever we go. Let’s take the next few steps along the way and look at the need for significance. Remember that these needs are legitimate and vital for us to receive. It is important to acknowledge and work with our human needs. The negative term ‘needy’ must not deceive us into thinking that we must deny our needs and that we are strong when we suppress them. Over the long haul of our lives we serve others better when we consider our own needs as much.
On a trip to the mountains or just a woodland stroll, we consider what we need and we pack accordingly – food, water, appropriate clothing and other vital supplies. It would be extreme foolishness to embark on a path that we have never walked upon before and think that we don’t need certain provisions to at least – ease the journey – and at most – ensure we survive. So it is with our precious lives. It is paramount to acknowledge, work with, and nurture our needs.
Our need for significance is a complementary balance with our need to belong – to give and receive love and enjoy connection in many forms. Belonging is being part of something for who we are. Significance is the quality of being important, of value and of consequence. We need to be recognised as important and of worth in who we are and we need to be acknowledged as making a difference in what we do. As humans, we need to contribute to the wider community something of meaning. Our need for significance asks the questions ‘What difference do I make?’ and ‘What can I contribute that has an impact?’
The need for significance is so imprinted in us because we are born with the instinct to gain attention (from our primary carers) and therefore this is the first experience of making a difference. My presence has an impact on other people. When this need for positive attention is not fulfilled, it is heartbreakingly crushing and damaging. We all need to know we matter to someone and that our existence makes a difference. Because this need is such a deep driving force in us, then if we begin to sense that we are not important in the eyes of those we seek affirmation and significance from, we go looking to feel significant in any number of ways.
Modern examples include the addiction to cosmetic surgery because my significance is bound up in looking attractive, flawless or young; or academic achievement in and of itself to garner accolades to boost my self-esteem and feel superior in my intelligence; or the lonely billionaire who sits miserable in his mansion because he has lost all trust in human nature and doesn’t have true friends. Searching for significance in looks, achievements or material wealth will let us down. We find ourselves walking down dead-end roads, or with companions that we realise are not good for us or we wonder why we are constantly unsettled or anxious when we have all our ducks in a row because we feel significant and important when we can control our surroundings.
It is another of life’s paradoxes that in asking the question, ‘Do I matter?’ we must focus our attention on what matters to us. In other words – What am I passionate about? How do I want to make a difference? How can I contribute my interests and talents? When we look outside of ourselves and we choose to serve our fellow travellers, we discover a path of joy and fulfilment in surprising ways. We discover that our significance is in the serving.
As we stand at the crossroads, our inspiration to move forward along a chosen path will come from understanding that we contribute something of significance that aligns with our values. So as we stand and consider how we want to be significant, it will be in finding our purpose or calling that will direct us to the difference we make by the contribution we offer. In other words, the pause that is created at a crossroads in life is an opportunity for us to consider what really matters to us.
Transformational Questions:
· What do I want to pause and consider in my life right now?
· In what kinds of spaces do I want to contribute?
· What strengths do I exhibit?
· What one step can I take towards understanding my purpose?
Let’s together unpack our bags, get rid of what is too heavy, unnecessary or put there by other people and repack our own kit for joy, purpose and clarity!
If you would like to explore this further in a coaching context please contact Anna at digdeepdreambig@gmail.com
