A Need to Know

 ‘Standing at the Crossroads’ of a new year brings an opportunity to pause and consider where we have been and what lies ahead. As we look ahead, how much is certain? What do we want to be certain in our lives? And why? In this series of emotional needs, the one for this month is ‘certainty’. Our need for certainty is biologically imprinted into the rhythm of our bodies and the rhythms of the natural world too. Certainty gives us the steadiness and the routine that we need to bring a degree of comfort and familiarity which ultimately is efficient and restful. So our need for certainty contributes to us feeling safe and stable.

Examples of certainty are our need for some routine, to know who we can trust, to know where we are safe, where our financial provision comes from, our expectations of others and to have autonomy and control over aspects of life that matter to us. We are all on a spectrum of this emotional need. Some of us are ‘take it as it comes’ people who plan little and embrace spontaneity. Others of us prefer to plan, to have an understanding of how the day or the week will look and who feel the stability of knowing what is coming up.

When there is little certainty in our lives we can become anxious because we don’t know what’s coming next. We can feel unhinged, vulnerable and unsafe. When life is uncertain and we have a strong need for certainty we can overcompensate by excessive planning or tidying or subtly, even subconsciously trying to control others or situations.

When there is too much certainty – instead of offering safety, life begins to feel like a cage, as the repetition and predictability of ‘nothing ever changing’ results in boredom and a sense of meaninglessness.

One of the reasons for understanding our emotional needs is simply to acknowledge that we have them. To get to know our needs is not to then work on denying them or rising above them, but to work with them in healthy ways. So I do not work against my need for certainty but I’m aware of it to incorporate it into life in ways that serve me well.

So when we stand at the crossroads of a decision and we look along a particular path, it is crucial that we are alert to our need for certainty. In the midst of a decision, as we look ahead, it is an unavoidable truth that we do not fully know the outcome of our choice. A decision about the future holds inherent uncertainty because as human beings the future is unknown.

Certainty as a Decision Driver

So it is here, in the midst of the uncertainty of a decision that our need for certainty comes to the fore. We must be aware that in not knowing the future, and having a need for certainty, we may be vulnerable to making a decision based only our need for certainty rather than something else beneficial. We will naturally cling to what we know for that important sense of reassurance. For example, a person who is unhappy and stressed in their job may choose to stay, in spite of the detrimental affect it has on their mental health, because they prefer the certainty of the job having got used to it. Remember that the brain is looking for short-cuts and ways to be efficient; and someone who has a strong need for certainty can convince themselves that it is too much effort to look for another job – even though the evidence is that another job is more than likely going to be the better choice.

In every decision, large or small, we try to balance threats that come from uncertainty with the inevitable boredom of a repetitive, unstimulating routine. We can seek this balance by acknowledging that our need for certainty, however strong it is, is not the defining factor in our decision making. This is because we have other emotional needs that complement it. We need variety as well as needing certainty. The trick is to acknowledge when certainty serves us (bringing us order and stability) and when it doesn’t (constraining our true selves who want to live our dreams). For those of us who enjoy and need certainty, how can we bring aspects of certainty into a decision without sabotaging our creativity and shutting down opportunities that are good for us?

Transformational Questions:

·        Acknowledge my need for certainty

·        Name what I need to know

·        Acknowledge the unfamiliar is not necessarily less safe.

·        Ask ‘what will I gain from taking a step onto an unfamiliar path?’

·        Ask ‘what do I lose from staying where I am?’

·        How can I reinterpret the ‘risk of the unfamiliar’ into the ‘joy of the adventure’?

·        What can I identify in the decision that supports my need for certainty without keeping me bound?

If you would like to explore this further in a coaching context please contact Anna at digdeepdreambig@gmail.com