Belonging
“Love and belonging are irreducible needs for all people. In the absence of these experiences, there is always suffering.” Brene Brown
As we start this journey of looking at our emotional needs, we begin with the recognition that because humans are a social species we need one another. Our most primal need, after our physical needs to thrive, is to belong and know love. We are biologically programmed to be on the look-out for connection. A new-born’s eyesight is out of focus beyond the mother’s face, as the child learns to focus on the most profound connection at the beginning of life. This continues for the rest of our lives – the need to find a sense of belonging in close social relationships for our well-being. We find safety and real connection in our shared humanity.
So powerful is the drive to belong that if we don’t feel we belong to those that matter to us then we look for ways to belong. This substitute for belonging is ‘fitting in’. The pressure to fit in is unrelenting at any age. This is the acute adolescent pain of wanting to belong and be accepted so badly that we are willing to bend ourselves in all kinds of shapes to be accepted by the group. This is not belonging. This is the opposite of belonging.
A memory comes to mind that illustrates the hurt that comes from being on the outside looking in. I remember a time when I was on a school camp aged 11 or 12. We had free time in the dorm and some boys and girls were in couples. I was not in a couple. However, I was with my friends and simply wanted to be with them. The couples were cosying up to each other and they began to get impatient with me being there and told me to go away. I recall the stinging feeling of public rejection. I recall the shame of why I was being rejected. Twice. Not welcome to be with my friends and the reason was because I did not have a boyfriend.
As an adult, digging deeper into what was going on in that experience; I recall the desire to be accepted even though I felt uncomfortable with the setting and the deciding factor of whether you were acceptable or not being whether you had a boyfriend. I recall the feeling of being brave and suggesting I could stay and hang out anyway, even if I didn’t have the right accessory, but it was no good. The majority decided. I was not welcome.
Looking back there are all sorts of ways to look at that experience but the truth is that in my early adolescence I thought it was crucial to be accepted by people I wanted to be accepted by. So I sought to fit in as the next best thing to belonging. On the outside I pursued the behaviours that I thought would lead to acceptance of the group. To belong is such a powerful need that millions of us are subconsciously willing to behave in ways that either limit or hide our true selves to have the comfort of being part of a group.
What actually happens when we try to fit in is that we move further away from our true selves and we spin around on the axis of looking for comfort and craving authenticity, getting more and more dizzy because the two are not compatible if we are not offering our true selves to the group for fear of being rejected.
The dislocation from ourselves intensifies as we move further away from real connection with others. So the comfort is false comfort. We may not be rejected on the outside, but the inside is not at peace. We sacrifice our true selves on the altar of the Powerful Group for the benefit of fulfilling our primal need to belong. We are willing to manage this lack of peace because we tell ourselves that any pain is better than social rejection. The pressure often recedes with age, but not without us doing the inner work of acknowledging our need to belong. Self-acceptance then offers us the freedom to decide to whom we want to belong. In order for our journey to be fulfilling we must courageously reveal our naked selves in a safe environment and experience the joy of acceptance of our real, not fake selves. There is nothing like it.
“We can feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with other people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” Brene Brown
We must move from believing that we are worth something only by what others say of us, to offering our worthy selves to others to form true bonds of connection. It is a life-transforming and life-enhancing freedom to be free of the opinions of others, while at the same time balancing our need to be deeply connected to others. It is also, I am discovering, a life-long journey to find that balance!
Transformational Questions:
· What are the elements of true belonging for me?
· In what kinds of spaces do I want to belong?
· What ‘fitting-in’ behaviours can I identify in myself?
· What one step can I take to greater authenticity?
If you would like to explore this further in a coaching context please contact Anna at digdeepdreambig@gmail.com
