We are moving through a series on human emotional needs in my blog ‘Standing at the Crossroads’. Being aware of our deepest needs equips us to take firm steps, with confidence that we are making decisions that will serve us well in the long term. Last month we looked at the need for certainty in our lives, from steadiness of healthy routines and habits to the assurance of who we can trust and rely on. Another need that complements our need for certainty is variety. They are not opposites because we all need them both in varying (!) amounts.
‘Variety is the spice of life’. Spice brings flavour to our food, adds interesting taste and contributes to the vast array of delicious dishes in the world. However, I am sure we have all experienced it when too much spice is added and it’s unpleasant or even unbearable! Variety acts in the same way; in that enough is necessary for a rewarding life, but too much can lead to overwhelm and burnout. Variety provides the necessary stimulation we require to keep our interest, and without it our motivation dips and we feel lost without purpose. Imagine eating the same bland food every day of our life. We survive, but it is dreary and dull. On the other hand if our taste buds were constantly bombarded with an overwhelming amount of unbearably fiery spices, we would soon long for a meal that is predictably mild.
Our personalities and preferences determine what amount of variety is comfortable for each of us. There are all sorts of personality profiling tools out there to determine how much certainty we need and therefore how much un-certainty we can tolerate. Remember, though, that variety is not the opposite of certainty and so variety and un-certainty are not the same. Variety wants to experience the excitement of visiting a new country every time you go on holiday. Un-certainty is what causes that feeling of anxiety that rises when you haven’t planned your holiday and you are not sure where you may go. Personally speaking, I have a high need for both certainty and variety. It is not the case that if we have a high need for certainty, we will have a low need for variety.
A rich tapestry
We are familiar with the term ‘Life’s rich tapestry’. Life’s rich tapestry refers to the colours woven together to make the whole picture. If a tapestry had only one colour, it would not offer the nuances, the shades, the contrasts, and the richness that the variety brings.
The phrase is often invoked when something unwelcome happens and we try to shrug it off by saying ‘It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry’. It is referring to how we handle unexpected or unpleasant events and that we can learn from the variety. It is also a rather realistic acknowledgement that if our lives were reduced to the monotony and tedious repetition of meaningless tasks over and over, we would soon reach our boredom threshold. As much as we need certainty to keep us away from chaos or overwhelm, we also need variety to keep us away from mind-numbing boredom. The art is to discover where our threshold is and then live accordingly as much as is in our hands.
So, how do we identify the kinds of variety that we need? True variety brings energy and life. It brings joy, as we are learning new skills, growing in our capacity, discovering new ideas, meeting new people, forming new paths and creating new realities. Some of us have a high need for this type of variety in our lives. Others of us have less of a need, but it is present nonetheless.
Pseudo variety is actually distraction and a cover for something else. Even as I write this, I’m aware of the multi-tasking that I engage in and want to highlight that our addictions and fears can masquerade as variety. In other words, I may try to convince myself that I am fulfilling my need for variety during my daily routine when I jump from task to task, but in actual fact something else is going on.
Writing at home, I can take advantage of the ease of popping the laundry on and then back to the laptop. I can say to myself that the multi-tasking is due to my need for variety. However, there are other reasons that it may be a challenge to stick to one task in a focused manner. We have trained our brains to jump from distraction to distraction with ever-decreasing increments of time. Our attention span in modern times can total mere seconds. Another pseudo-need is procrastination and we may try to convince ourselves that we are stimulated by the variety of spinning several different plates at the same time, but in reality something that we value or need more is keeping us from completion. Often procrastination serves to keep us safe or certain.
So how do we know? How do we discern between variety and distraction? The answer is in how it makes us feel. Energised or drained? Energy boosters are the habits or tasks that feed our need for variety in a healthy life-giving way. Examples of these are reading a new book every 2 weeks, learning a new recipe every month or planting new flowers each season. We feel happy and fulfilled.
Energy drainers are the habits or addictions that feed our need for distraction to avoid tackling a deeper issue. Examples of these are social media scrolling, lizard brain (when we react to a notification stimulus without thinking) or racing from task to task without true focus. We feel depleted, scattered and restless.
So let’s take care to name the variety in our lives for what it actually is, and to ask ourselves the questions that will reveal and build towards healthy variety in our lives. After all, the buzzword for our times – diversity – demonstrates humanity’s truly beautiful inherent variety. Let’s embrace the lessons, growth opportunities and joys that variety in its many forms brings. How are you spicing up your life?!
Transformational Questions:
· How much variety is there in my daily/weekly routine?
· How much do I feel life is interesting and stimulating in this season?
· What I would like to explore or try more of?
· What will I gain from adding a new aspect to my life?
· What one step can I take to bring healthy variety into my day?
If you would like to explore this further in a coaching context please contact Anna at digdeepdreambig@gmail.com
